1. You would be terrible Campus Safety officers (Winner announcement!)

    I host a free lecture series at the airport every few months entitled “Safety is vague.” They’re impromptu events, and you’re most likely to catch them immediately after the Department of Homeland Security announcement notifies the airport populace of the current safety color. From a distance, it might look like I’m just a recently-turned-very-liberal-by-my-sociology-class college freshman complaining about how dumb it is to have a color-coded threat meter, and how are we supposed to act any different, and isn’t the American government stupid for controlling people using FEAR? Well you’re wrong. That was in 2003, and the series has really evolved since then. You’ll have to come to PDX sometime and check it out.

    I gather a lot of my lecture material from the radio, and was super-pumped to learn that there is, surprisingly, a more vague way to describe safety than “orange.” It takes the form of a paragraph released by a university’s Campus Safety office on how to guard against another school shooting. The general premise was “Students should be aware of suspicious activity and notify the correct departments so we are able to enact policies and procedures in an organized and safe manner.” It was, of course, longer than one sentence, and with each one I got closer and closer to the radio, and the description became more and more general until finally, it stopped.

    I was too excited to write it down as I listened, and rather than download the podcast, I thought I’d ask my huge fan base to come up with a paragraph for me. The winner not only gets zucchini bread but also an honorable mention in my next lecture. Unfortunately, most of you would be terrible Dept of Homeland Security employees and even worse Campus Safety officers— you’re too specific and made me laugh too hard. I will not write you a letter of recommendation for either of these positions.

    And now, the winner for the most vague safety statement is: Lindsay!

    Runner-up: Charmin bear! (scroll through comments to see her answer)

    Loser: Scott! (again, scroll)

    Congratulations! You are free to put this on your resumes.

    1 year ago

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